Ang Tawag Nila Sakin Ay:

Ang tawag nila sakin ay
Rhenz.

Ang tawag sakin ni Mirana,
Meow.

Ang tawag sakin ng nanay ko,
Bunso.

Ang tawag ng feeling close sakin,
Rehnz.

Ang tawag ng may kailangan sakin,
Rhenz?

Ang tawag sakin sa basketball court,
Idol.

Ang tawag sakin nung HS,
Master.

Ang tawag sakin sa EE Lab,
Bitz.

Ang tawag sakin ng katabi ko sa exam,
Pst!

Ang tawag sakin ng mga tao ko,
Up Rhenz!

Ang tawag ng mga officemate ko sakin,
Sir Rhenz.

Ang tawag ng boss ko sakin,
Engr. Rhenz, paki-OT naman 'to.

Ang tawag ng mga chicks sakin,
Rhenzy. :D

Ang tawag ng mga bading sakin,
Fafa Rhenz.

Ang tawag ng mga malalandi sakin,
Rhenz? (wink)

Ang tawag ni Bea Binene sakin,
Baby? [ ;) ]

Ang tawag sakin ng crush ko,
Kuya. Aww.

Chances 2

You stopped me. Turned around. Walked away. Left.

I wasn’t able to tell you everything, even anything, because you told me that you’re too scared to hear it. I don’t know what should I react that moment but one thing is for sure, I did my part. I don’t think that putting my emotions here in my blog will do me any good. It’s just that, I wasn’t able to say it, that’s why I follow my blog’s title.

I’m sorry. You told me that you always feel awkward whenever you’re with me. It’s my fault. I was careless. You’re feeling it, because I’m doing things for you to feel something, and I’m doing such things because of what I feel. I don’t know if everything returned to me in a rush, but I know that it won’t leave that way. I decided to talk to you that night, but I’m not looking for a positive feedback. I just know that I’ll forever regret it if I don’t say something, something that will release the burden I carry. Too bad you stopped me.

Many things have changed since the first day you talked to me. Since the day you approached me while I was standing outside the Chemistry Laboratory, until the night you chose to leave a scar in my heart. A scar that will never be heal. A pain that I don’t think time can take away. A feeling, that was 3 years in the making. I used to break people’s hearts, but in you, it is my heart that turned into pieces. Now, there will be no another CHANCE.

I’m not hypocrite to tell you that you and I are fine. I’m serious. So please stop waving every time you see me. Stop smiling whenever our eyes met. And when you do, that will be the sign that you’ve read this post. I want to be true to myself. Call it bitterness if it is the right term. I just can’t stand how you leave like I’m not even someone you know at all. But still, I want to thank you. I know I’m already strong, but you made me even stronger. And I know I will need it. I need it for the people who trust and love me. For the people who know they can hurt me, but won’t try to. For the people who will not leave me, in the time I need them the most. And for the one who is picking up, or will pick up the pieces.

P.S. Happy Birthday.

Rhenz, As A Challenger

"Personality is my original personal property." -Norman Brown

They say I’m self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. I feel I must control my environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. I typically have problems with my tempers and with allowing myself to be vulnerable. At my Best: self- mastering, I use my strength to improve others' lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.

Basic Fear: Of being harmed or controlled by others.

Basic Desire: To protect myself (to be in control of my own life and destiny)

Key Motivations: Want to be self-reliant, to prove my strength and resist weakness, to be important in my friends’ world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control of my situation.

When moving in my Direction of Disintegration (stress), self-confident Rhenz suddenly become secretive and fearful. However, when moving in my Direction of Integration (growth), lustful, controlling Rhenz become more open-hearted and caring.

They have named my personality type The Challenger because, of all the types, I enjoy taking on challenges myself as well as giving others opportunities that challenge me to exceed myself in some way. I am charismatic and have the physical and psychological capacities to persuade others to follow me into all kinds of endeavors—from starting a company, to rebuilding a city, to running a household, to waging war, to making peace. I learned that 1 out of 100 people have the type that same as mine.

I have enormous willpower and vitality, and I feel most alive when I am exercising these capacities in the world. I use my abundant energy to effect changes in my environment—to “leave my mark" on it—but also to keep the environment, and especially other people, from hurting me and those I care about. At an early age, I understand that this requires strength, will, persistence, and endurance—qualities that I develop in myself and which I look for in others.

“Much of my tenacity and toughness comes from my Dad. He always told me not to ‘let anybody push you around.’ It was not okay to cry. I learned to master my weaker side early on.”

I do not want to be controlled or to allow others to have power over me (my Basic Fear), whether the power is psychological, sexual, social, or financial. Much of my behavior is involved with making sure that I retain and increase whatever power I have for as long as possible.

I am the true “rugged individualist”. More than any other type, I stand alone. I want to be independent, and resist being indebted to anyone. I often refuse to “give in” to social convention, and I can defy fear, shame, and concern about the consequences of my actions. Although I am usually aware of what people think of me, I do not let the opinions of others sway me. I go about their business with a steely determination that can be awe inspiring, even intimidating to others.

Although, to some extent, I fear physical harm, far more important is my fear of being disempowered or controlled in some way. I am extraordinarily tough and can absorb a great deal of physical punishment without complaint—a double-edged blessing since I often take my health and stamina for granted and overlook the health and well-being of others as well. Yet I am desperately afraid of being hurt emotionally and will use my physical strength to protect my feelings and keep others at a safe emotional distance. Beneath the tough façade is vulnerability, although it has been covered over by layer of emotional armor. Most especially, I don’t want to be underestimated.

Thus, I am often extremely industrious, but at the price of losing emotional contact with many of the people in my life. Those close to me may become increasingly dissatisfied with this state of affairs, which confounds me. (“I don't understand what my family is complaining about. I bust my hump to provide for them. Why are they disappointed with me?”)

When this happens, I feel misunderstood and may distance myself further. In fact, beneath my imposing exterior, I often feel hurt and rejected, although this is something I seldom talk about because I have trouble admitting my vulnerability to myself, let alone to anyone else. Because I fear that I will be rejected (humiliated, criticized or harmed in some way), I attempt to defend myself by rejecting others first. The result is that my average self become blocked in my ability to connect with people or to love since love gives the other power over me, reawakening my Basic Fear.

The more I build up my egos in order to protect myself, the more sensitive I become to any real or imaginary slight to my self-respect, authority, or preeminence. The more I attempt to make myself impervious to hurt or pain (whether physical or emotional), the more I “shut down” emotionally to become hardened and rock-like.

When I am emotionally healthy, however, I have a resourceful, “can-do” attitude as well as a steady inner drive. I take the initiative and make things happen with a great passion for life. I am honorable and authoritative—natural leader who have a solid, commanding presence. My groundedness gives me abundant “common sense” as well as the ability to be decisive. I am willing to “take the heat,” knowing that any decision cannot please everyone. But as much as possible, I want to look after the interests of the people in my charge without playing favorites. I use my talents and fortitude to construct a better world for everyone in my life.

*(At My Worst): If I get in danger, I may brutally destroy everything that has not conformed to my will rather than surrender to anyone else. Vengeful, barbaric, murderous. Sociopathic tendencies. Generally corresponds to the Antisocial Personality Disorder.

**: Develop delusional ideas about my power, invincibility, and ability to prevail: megalomania, feeling omnipotent, invulnerable. Recklessly over-extending self.

***: Defying any attempt to control me, become completely ruthless, dictatorial, "might makes right." The criminal and outlaw, renegade, and con-artist. Hard-hearted, immoral and potentially violent.

****: Become highly combative and intimidating to get my way: confrontational, belligerent, creating adversarial relationships. Everything a test of wills, and I will not back down. Uses threats and reprisals to get obedience from others, to keep others off balance and insecure. However, unjust treatment makes others fear and resent me, possibly also band together against me.

*****: Begin to dominate my environment, including others: want to feel that others are behind me, supporting my efforts. Swaggering, boastful, forceful, and expansive: the "boss" whose word is law. Proud, egocentric, want to impose my will and vision on everything, not seeing others as equals or treating them with respect.

******: Self-sufficiency, financial independence, and having enough resources are important concerns: become enterprising, pragmatic, "rugged individualist," wheeler-dealer. Risk-taking, hardworking, denying own emotional needs.

*******: Decisive, authoritative, and commanding: the natural leader others look up to. Take initiative, make things happen: champion people, provider, protective, and honorable, carrying others with my strength.

********: Self-assertive, self-confident, and strong: have learned to stand up for what I need and want. A resourceful, "can do" attitude and passionate inner drive.

********* (At My Best): Become self-restrained and magnanimous, merciful and forbearing, mastering myself through my self-surrender to a higher authority. Courageous, willing to put myself in serious jeopardy to achieve my vision and have a lasting influence. May achieve true heroism and historical greatness from my guts never to give-up.

Last Notes:

I really don't know if my main persona is negative or positive, but what I know is, it is superb. Maybe this is the reason why many people hate me, but I know that this is also the reason why many love me as well. What do you think? Is it negative? Or positive? I need your opinion.

"I know no other person who has as great a capacity for exerting a constructive influence in the lives of so many people. But the reverse is that, I also know no other person who can so completely misuse power or become so totally destructive as Rhenz." -Gwen Loyola

I Hear Voices Too

Voices
-Rev Theory

I hear voices in my head
They council me
They understand
They talk to me

You got your rules and your religion
All designed to keep you safe
But when rules start getting broken
You start questionin' your faith
I have a voice that is my savior
Hates to love and loves to hate
I have the voice that has the knowledge
And the power to rule your fate

I hear voices crying
I see heroes dying
I taste blood that's drying
I feel tension rising

All the lawyers are defenseless
All the doctors are diseased
And the preachers all are sinners
And police just take the grease
All you judges, you are guilty
All the bosses, I will fire
All you bankers will have losses
Politicians are all liars

I see darkness falling
I hear voices calling
I feel justice crawling
I see faith has fallen

I hear voices in my head
They council me
They understand
They talk to me, they talk to me
They tell me things that I will do
They show me things I'll do to you
They talk to me.

Fortress: Our New Home

lately, marami akong narereceive na mga request na gusto nila makita yung bahay na pinablessing namin 2 weeks ago ata. so para sa mga hindi nakarating sa blessing, sa mga nakalimutan kong yayain at sa mga nag-rerequest na ilagay ko sa facebook or blogspot yung mga pics, here it is. :D

Outside View

(hindi pa nasscan nung friend ko na si Cierine yung invitation na binigay ko sa kanya eh. to follow na lang yung picture ha?)

First Story

Living Room

sakto lang naman yung sala namin sa baba. nilagyan ni Mama ng aircon pero masyado namang open. haha. sabagay diskarte na niya yun. basta ba lalagyan din ng aircon yung room ko ok lang sakin. tapos ayan, may piano rin pala. matagal nang piano ni ate yan bata pa siya. =)

Guest's Room

ito yung kwarto na pwedeng tulugan ng bisita. haha. halata naman eh. walang unan oh. nakakatuwa. pansin niyo yung cross stitch na angel? si Mama tumahi nun. :) ayon simple lang, pero ewan ko bakit cyan ang kulay niyan.

Dining Room

ayan yung kusina, haha. actually nagtaka ko bakit nag-pagawa si Mommy at Daddy ng tavern diyan. haha. ganon siguro nila kamahal yung mga lumang alak nila na mas sumasarap daw pag mas tumatagal. :)

Stairs

ayan yung hagdan. 13 steps daw yan eh. ewan ko ba. may mga pamahiin pa sila about dun sa oro plata mata. di ko nga alam yun eh. haha. sa kanila na yun.

Second Story

ayan naman yung sala sa taas. tapos yung isang pic naman yung corridor. haha. parang eskwelahan lang ah. aion.

Balcony

ito yung tambayan sa taas. wala bang laman? haha. yan ang perfect place sa inuman. (though hindi pa ko nakakainom sa bahay. bawal eh. =D)

Bedroom #1 (Kay Ate)

hindi ko alam sa kanya bakit red yung pinakulay niya. tapos after matapos nung bahay nakikipag-palit siya sakin. haha. sorry nakuhanan ko sarili ko ng pic sa salamin. :D

Comfort Room # 2

sa totoo lang may c.r. din sa 1st floor, nakalimutan ko lang kunan ng picture. =)

ito yung c.r. namin sa 2nd floor. ito rin yung pinaka-ginagamit sa lahat. haha. yung nasa baba kasi para sa mga bisita. yung isa naman, para lang kay Daddy tsaka Mommy.

Comfort Room # 3

haha. astig yung bath tub nila na ayaw ipagamit sakin. haha. actually isang beses pa lang ako naka-experience mag-bath tub. sa hotel pa lang nung debut ni ate sa island cove. :)

Bedroom # 2 (Kay Kuya)

ito yung kwarto ni engineer. haha. di naman halatang dito ako tumatambay pag wala siya. may ebidensiya pa nga ng psp ko oh. tsaka nung jacket ni Aira. :p

Bedroom # 3 (Kina Daddy at Mommy)

sila yung may pinakamalaking kwarto. pero sila din yung may pinakamalaking kama. kaya isang angle lang nakuhanan ko ng picture eh kasi naman ang hirap angguluhan. hay ewan. pero pag pumasok ka sa kanila, hanggang ngayon amoy pa rin yung pag-kabago nung kama. haha. =)

Bedroom # 4 (My Room =D)

and last but not the least, ito yung kwarto ng prinsipe. este, kwarto ko pala. haha. sorry naman ah. pink talaga gusto ko ipakulay diyan eh. haha. sa lahat ng kwarto, ako lang ang may TV. oha oha. haha. plinano ko talaga na baby pink pati baby blue yung combination niyan. wala pa kasing kurtina e. pag meron na, baby blue yung kulay.

at ayan na po yung bahay namin. haha. pasensiya na kasi wala naman akong talent sa pag-kuha ng litrato pero ok naman siya. haha. sana. salamat po sa pag-basa at sana nag-enjoy kayo sa cyber tour ko sa aming tahanan. =)

A Real Man.

a real man plays basketball, not just as sport, but as a game of life.

a real man cries, even when in front of a girl.

a real man wears pink without any hesitation.

a real man plays the guitar, not to attract girls, but to calm his mind.

a real man never fights without a reason.

a real man shows fidelity to relationships.

a real man respect girls in all aspects.

a real man ends a relationship before he starts fooling around.

a real man follows his girl when she walks out.

a real man calls his girl back when she hangs up.

a real man hugs his girl when she slapped/punched/pushed him.

a real man kisses his girl when she nags.

a real man can watch chick-flicks with his girl.

a real man tolerates his girl's crying over love stories.

a real man hands his girl the remote.

a real man passes on booze night just to listen to his girl's ranting.

a real man doesn't flare up when his girl gives directions.

a real man knows how to make his girl smile when she is down.

a real man always gives a goodbye kiss, even when friends are watching.

a real man knows the perfect time to hold his girl's hand.

a real man can be funny, but knows when he needs to be serious.

a real man reacts cutely when his girl hit him and actly hurts.

a real man stares at his girl when he thinks his girl doesn't notice.

a real man gets a little jealous sometimes but knows he's the only one you love.

a real man waits for 3 hours just see his girl for 3 minutes.

a real man says "i'm sorry" and tells his girl he needs her.

if you want, refer this to your friends.

for boys to know how to become real men.

and for girls to know whom they supposed to love.

Unusual

Lately, I'm not who I used to be.

Ewan

For Girl 1

ang pag-mamahal mo sa akin ay walang patutunguhan

tarantado ang puso ko at hindi matuturuan

na umibig ng tapat pagka't lahat sakin laro lang

at ako ang pasimuno pag-dating sa kagaguhan.

kasagutan ang tanong kung pano ba ko magmahal

kalabuan ang tugon, hindi makuha ng dasal

di makuhang magpigil aking mukha sa pagkapal

sa una lang bumabait, na didemonyo pag tagal.

ayokong masaktan kita, kaya lumayo ka na sa akin

madami d'yang iba kasi ayoko na danasin

mo sa piling ko, aminin ko gusto kita

eh di rin to malulutas, makinig ka nga sa sasabihin ko.

iwanan mo ko gaga, sakin di ka liligaya

dahil hindi ako kagaya ng iba hindi ko kaya

na baguhin ang sarili, gusto ko'y maging malaya

talagang mapaglaro, ang puso ko'y sadyang madaya.

sa babaeng pinaluha, gusto mo pang mapabilang

at kung gagawin sayo? para sakin madali lang

pero pag ginawa ko, sakin meron ding sakit

at bakit meron ding pait.

(teka, para bang mali ah?)

mga nararamdaman eh tang ina naman kasi

nagmamahal ka ng lalaki na wala namang paki

ibahin mo ang pagtingin, pilitin mong hindi ako

kung may pusong mabibigo, ang gusto ko hindi sa'yo.

kasi hindi ka naging iba sana makaintindi ka

ginagawa ko to kasi ikaw ay mahalaga

kaya sige na iwan mo na ko,

bakit ba kasi minamahal mo pa ako?

For Girl 2

martir ka ba sa pag-ibig kaya pilit kang nabalik
kahit na sakit lang ang nagiging kapalit
o manhid ka lang kaya di mo mabatid
na oo mahal kita pero bilang kapatid.

kapit ka ng kapit, wala ka nang makakapitan
lapit pa ng lapit, wala na bang malalapitan?
hindi na kita love kaya tama na ang kadramahan
pwede ba pa help ka na, nalala na'ng katangahan.

bakit mo ba binatak ang tinulak kong droga
na awit kahit alam mo na lahat ng sinabi kong linya
ay bola lang, boka lang upang makuha ka
ba't ka nag adik sa akin yan tuloy na loka ka.

nak ng tupa,daig mo pa ang taga-hanga
na nakahawak sa pangarap na tayong nakatadhana
salamat sa lahat pero patawad pa rin
pagka't magkaiba na ang nakaguhit sa palad natin.

at yung balak natin na noon ay makasal
mangyayari pa rin 'yon pero wag kang maasar
kung di ikaw yung gusto kong makatabi sa altar
alam mo ba kung bakit? kasi di na kita mahal.

kaya bakit hindi ka nalang makinig sa aking payo
lumayo ka na at malabo na na maging tayo
kasi may mahal na ako at di ikaw yun
at kahit anong gawin mo, di ako bibitaw dun.

Silvers

"..Make new friends but keep the old..
..cause the new are silvers, and the old are golds.."

To all my golds, just want to share this silvers with you guys.

My new circle of friends in the Electrical Engineering Department. :D

(From Left to Right)
Reggae, Guba, Rhenz, Kim, Rap and Aira.

As for the characteristics, you will know it some other time. :)

Smile

"A smile, even if it is fake, can get you out of a tough situation." -Sai(Naruto)

Nagtaka lang ako. May mga tao kasing hindi naniniwala sakin kapag kinakamusta nila ako at sasabihin ko na "hindi ok." Madalas daw kasi pag nakikita nila ko, nakangiti, parang walang problema at masaya. Ganon din ba nakikita niyo? Siguro. Hindi ko rin alam bakit nga ba palangiti ako. Minsan ata masama din yung ganon. Ewan ko lang ah. Ewan ko.

Minsan masama daw. Pero para sakin minsan nakakabuti rin. Palangiti nga ako, pero hindi ibig sabihin nuon masaya ako. Minsan kailangan para hindi mag-isip ang mga taong nag-aalala sa'yo. Minsan kailangan para hindi isipin ng isang tao na nasaktan ka niya kahit sobra yung nagawa niya sa'yo. At minsan, kailangan para walang magbago.

I usually use fake smiles. Alam ng mga taong nakakakilala sakin yan. Fake smile sa chat, fake smile sa text at kahit pa sa tunay na buhay. Pero sa ngayon, naisip ko lang. Ang pag-ngiti, fake man o totoo, sinadya man o hindi, ay magiging isang bagay na kakampi mo sa buhay mo para itago o ilabas ang isang bagay na nararamdaman mo. May mga pagkaktaon kasi na mas nakakabuti ang fake sa totoo. At mas nakakabuti ang totoo sa fake.

Learn to smile. Real. And even fake.

"A smile is the easiest way out of a difficult situation." -Sakura(Naruto)

Unsent

"And you don't hear this song I guess you'll never know that"

i know its quite impossible for this "message" to reach you, i guess a 0.01 probability. but maybe, just maybe. then you will understand everything.

-blackstreet

Twin? Impossible.

Our house is currently under construction and we are renting a hall not far from our home, but I stayed in a dorm outside the UST from Monday until Friday. One Saturday morning, I was sleeping late and my father had gotten up very early as most country folk did in these days. He drove to check our store about five miles away. By 9:00 am, he was already on his way back home.

At that time, I was just waking up and getting ready to go into the kitchen and fix myself some breakfast. As I was just about to come in the kitchen, my father burst in and asked, "Paano ka nakabalik kaagad?" I had no idea what he was talking about and told him I'd just gotten out of my bed. He insisted that I had nearly hit his car with my motorcycle about a mile from our house. He was approaching an intersection and a motorcycle exactly like mine --driven by someone he clearly identified as me --made a very fast turn and headed straight into his car.

He insisted it was me and that I had nearly side-swiped him had he not acted fast and hit the side road. Now, lest anyone think, "Oh, it was just a similar motorcycle," I should point out that it was definitely NOT a typical motorcycle I was driving. I drove a modified Suzuki Raider 150 with red paint and Spiderman stickies. There wasn't another like it in the entire area. In addition, my father vehemently insisted it was me behind the wheel.

My mother and I both continued to explain that I had been in bed and the Raider had been parked out in the yard under the old oak tree the whole time. I also pointed out that if it were only a mile from the house and I had been going the opposite direction, I could have not turned around and made it home ahead of him without passing him. He conceded that made sense, but still insisted on checking to see if my motor's engine was warm. To my surprise, it was.

Happiness

Does everyone have the right to be happy? if yes, why does it feels no to me?

"Happiness is a choice". Yan ang isa sa mga bagay na binanggit sa akin nuon ng isang taong nagpapasaya ngayon sa buhay ko. Matagal na panahon na noong sinabi niya sa akin yan, at pinaniwalaan ko. Ang kasiyahan naman ay maraming klase, maaaring masaya ka dahil sa mga kaibigan mo, dahil nakukuha mo ang mga luho mo o dahil pinalad kang magkaroon ng mga magulang na maipagmamalaki mo. Ilan lamang yan sa mga bagay na nagbibigay ng saya, pero mararamdaman mo ang totoong saya kapag kuntento ka na sa buhay mo at wala ka nang hinihingi pa. Pero kailan mo mararamdaman ang ganon? Kapag masaya ka dahil sa mga nakatala sa taas, at masaya ka dahil nakakaramdam ka ng pagmamahal.

Yung ganong kasayahan, medyo matagal ko na ring hindi nararamdaman. Oo masaya ako dahil sa mga kaibigan ko, sa mga luho at sa mga magulang ko pero alam kong hindi pa ganap dahil may kulang. Hindi naman ako nag-hahangad. Isa nga sa mga bagay na lagi kong sinasabi nuon kay Nadine kapag kinakamusta niya ang lovelife ko at sasagutin ko siya ng wala e, "hindi naman kasi hinahanap yun. dumarating lang."

Kaso ngayon, pakiramdam ko hanggang nasa UST pa ko ay hindi ako makakaramdam ng ganitong kasiyahan. Hindi naman kasi ako madaling mafall. At isa pa, nakagawa ako ng isang napakalaking PAGKAKAMALI sa buhay ko. Sabi nang iba, marerealize mo ang ilang mga bagay kapag wala na sila sa'yo. Oo, narealize ko nga na isang napakalaking pagkakamali ang ginawa ko nuon. Isang buwan lang naman yung tama eh, sige sabihin na nating dalawa. Pero apat na buwan akong nahirapan at nagtangka bago makaalis sa isang pagkakamali na pagkatapos ay inakala kong tapos na nga, pero malabo pala.

"alam mo minsan nahihiya akong sumama sa'yo. nahihiya kasi ako kay ". Yan ang sinabi niya. Eh ano? Anong pakialam ko? Bakit ba ganon? Pwede namang hindi na ganon di ba? Lalo ko tuloy nararamdaman kung gaano ako ka***** dahil sa pagkakamaling nagawa ko nuon eh. Na posibleng maging dahilan kung bakit nawala ang paniniwala ko sa itinuro sakin nung taong nagpapasaya ngayon sakin. Dahil pakiramdam ko, wala na kong karapatang maging masaya dahil nasa UST ako. Na magiging masaya lang ako pag inalis ko na sa UST ang mundo ko. Na bakit hindi ko naisip na mangyayari ito ng dahil sa nakakairitang ugali ng isang tao.

P.S. (para sa makakabasa, wag na sanang ilabas at gawing isyu. pinost ko ito para may makausap ako. hindi para pag-usapan ako.)

February. Foods. Friends.

January 31, 2010.

Isang nakakabadtrip na araw. Umuwi ako ng bahay para malamang pagagalitan lang ako ng aking ama dahil sa hindi ko pagrereply sakanya. Paano ba naman ako magrereply eh ang tinetext niyang number ko ay yung nawala noong nabugbog ako. Ito ang araw na pakiramdam ko ay darating na ang pinakaboring kong kaarawan. Binati ako ng maaga ni Cierine at ni Pau sa isang malamig na gabi.

February 01, 2010.

"Happy Birthday!", bati sa akin ni Recee na sumakto sa oras na 12:00AM. Maya-maya pa ay nakatanggap na din ako ng bati mula kay Faith, Jackie at Jaybee. Noong nakaramdam na ako ng antok ay natulog na ako. Sa aking pagising, natanggap ko ang pagbati ni Daddy, Ate, Kuya, Mommy, Rap at Kim. At sa paglipas ng hapon ay dumating na rin ang kay Bona, Dale, Reggae, Alex, Morz at Ivan. Hindi ko alam pero malungkot pa din ako sa maghapon, pakiramdam ko kasi nakalimutan ng matatalik kong kaibigan ang araw ng kaarawan ko. Nagbukas ako ng facebook at marami rin pala ang bumati dun. Kinagabihan, nag-group message na ako at nagpasalamat kahit na parang pakiramdam ko ay walang kwenta ang araw na iyon. Saka lamang bumati sina Dena, Rap(CWTS), Shoti at Christian. Matutulog na ako ngunit bago natapos ang araw ay dumating ang mga mensahe ng matatalik na kaibigan ko na nagbigay ngiti sakin sa pag-aakalang kinalimutan nila pero sinasadya pala. Sa wakas, nagtext din si Aira, Jilly at Mark.

February 02, 2010.

Unang araw ng linggo na papasok ako. Masaya naman, sakto lang. Sa pagpasok ko ay bumati na ng "belated" ang iba. Pinuntahan ko rin si Eunice na tinext ako nung umaga dahil gusto niya raw akong makita. Kinagabihan, nag-sama sama na kami kasi treat ko na. Pero binagabag ako ng sinabi ni Aira na, "wala ka kasing isang salita. akala ko ba ngayon mo ko sasamahan? tapos ipagpapalit mo ko sa mga kaibigan mo? wag mo kong kausapin galit ako sa'yo". Nagtampo ang besty ko. Nakakapagtaka lang dahil hindi ko alam na ganon pala kahalaga sa kanya ang makasama ko sa araw na pinangako ko. Kumain na kami sa Sicilian sa may Dapitan dahil suki kami dun at masarap naman talaga dun. Marami kami, masaya. Andun si Mark, Recee, Eunice, Cierine, Christian, Ronald, Alec, Pau at Angelo. Sobrang pinasaya nila ko. Salamat sa regalo ni Eunice at Mark. At salamat din dahil kahit minsan lang sa isang sem, napapagsama-sama ko ang mga kaibigan ko kahit madalang. Masaya pero malungkot din dahil nagtatampo si Aira.

February 03, 2010.

Ayan may practice kami ng presentation para sa GA ng EE sa sabado. Nakakapagod din dahil ako ang choreo ng section. Hindi pa din ako kinakausap ni Aira. 6:00PM, nag-klase kami sa SMAT. Sobra ang pagod ko kaya hindi ko sinasadyang makatulog kahit 2 oras ang klase. Sa pag-alis ni ma'am, ginising na nila ako at 3 na lang pala kaming natitira sa classroom. Lumabas ako ng pintuan at nandun si Aira na nagalit sakin at sinabi kung gaano kasama ang loob niya. Maya maya pa, ngumiti si Besty(Aira) at umalis sa pintuan para makita ko ang buong klase sa koridor na kumakanta ng happy birthday para sakin at may cake at regalo pa. Sabi ko na nga ba, pakulo lang pala yon lahat ni Aira. Salamat. Ang saya. :) Sa pag-uwi namin ay kumain kami sa Andok's sa España kasama ang grupo sa EEB na mas kilala dahil mga regulars "daw". Ako, Reggae, Rap, Kim, Aira, Faith, Jaybee at Guba. Samantala, nakasalubong ko si Mark na niyaya ko magpart two sa treat ko. Niyaya ko na rin sina Christian, Alec, Angelo, Homer at Recee. At ayan, ang inakala kong pinakamalungkot na kaarawan ko ay naging ang pinakamasaya at mahaba kong kaarawan. :)

Ambush.. Gangbang.. Hutaena..

Kakatapos lang ng finals at masaya ang araw ko. Marami akong kasama. Nag-enjoy kami lahat. Kumain. Uminom. Nagkwentuhan. Noong bago kami pumunta sa Trinoma ay marami talaga kami, pero sa inuman ay konti lamang ang natira. Ako, sina Recee, Ronar, Cierine, Pau, Homer, Angelo, Christian, Leo, Alec at Ayban. Uwian na, at inihatid ko si Cierine sa bahay nila.

Masaya na ang gabi ko. Kumpleto. At nag-darasal na regular ako next sem. Nagtetext ako nuon at naglalakad. Mula sa Lacson St. ay tumawid ako. Naglalakad ako sa España, at pagdating ko sa madilim na overpass ay biglang. Boom! Isang matigas na bagay ang tumama sa likod ko. Mayroong malaking lalaking humawak sa likod ko at 5 ibang mukha ang sumuntok sa akin sa katawan. Puro sa tiyan, at sa ulo. Hindi naman lahat ay nakibugbog. Ewan ko, paano ko malalaman kung nakayuko ako. Sa lakas ng mga suntok nila ay nabitawan ko ang cellphone na hawak ko. Bumagsak ito, nakalas. Pinulot ito ng isa sa kanila at habang wala na kong lakas para tumayo ay nagtakbuhan na sila. Nabilang ko, 8. Ang isa ay nadala pa ang bag ko ngunit nahawakan ko rin at binitawan niya matapos kong masuntok ng isa. Marahil ay napagtripan lang ako, wala silang balak kumuha ng kahit na ano. Malas lang dahil nabitawan ko ang cellphone ko.

Naglalakad ako pauwi ng pinagtitinginan ng mga tao. Sira ang polo. Sabog ang buhok. At namumula sa bugbog. Hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon ko. Nainis. Naawa sa sarili. Natakot. Sa mga oras na ito, namamaga ang ulo ko. Nananakit ang kanang kamay. At bugbog ang aking katawan. Lilinawin ko lang, uminom ako pero hindi ako lasing ng mga oras na yun.

Rhenz, All Alone

"Rhenz, gising na. May pasok pa tayo mamaya", said Aira. I spent the night in her room because of fun chats and heavy rain yesterday. She gave me a cup of coffee and I immeadiately left after drinking it. Its 5:30am in the morning and I told Hesper that I'll be late in school. I still want to rest a bit. My class starts at 8:00am and I decided to rest after arriving at my own apartment. I woke up at exactly 8:30am and I recieved messages from my friends that I'm late again, I'm finally prepared leaving by 9:00am just to recieved another message telling me that the classes are suspended. Yes the rain outside was very strong. Still sleepy, I rested again telling myself that I will let the rain passed before I leave the apartment to come home at Cavite. Around 1:30pm when I get up to find myself stranded in my apartment. I checked my phone to read some text messages, "Rhenz, di na kami makakauwi diyan, wala kaming masakyan, ikaw muna bahala diyan ah, itaas mo yung mga gamit pag pinasok yung bahay ng tubig". I'm trying to reply but its always failed, I began to wonder why when suddenly, "tsk!", the electricity went off. "Shit! I'm dead". The rain was still falling. The light was fading. I began to panic.

All I could see, All I could hear, All I could feel was "darkness". I'm not prepared for this. I don't have foods and candles. I'm hungry. I'm out of energy. Brownout. Flood. Broken network. Alone. I'm starting to lose hope. I don't know what to do. I wonder what the others are doing. I'm scared. So I prayed, asking for contrition and help. With that, I realize that I can do something. I looked for cottonbuds, salt and oil. "I can make it". I was successful in making an unordinary candle. Each moment passed, I will look in the window even though I know nothing will happen. I just pray and pray and pray. No eating. And I finally fell asleep.

Early morning, I left. Riding 2 pedi. 3 trains. 2 jeeps. 1 bus and a tricycle to come back home to my family and to hug them tightly.

Lesson learned: A selfish person is regarded as scum. But a person who can't help himself/herslef is worse than a scum.

Your My Savior.. I'm Your Knight In Shining Armor

It was the 14th day of September, a birthday of 1 of my highschool friends, Joan. All of my band members are invited (Pink) to celebrate the birthday of our beloved friend. I, always number 1 in tardiness, am the last person to arrived there. After some greetings with the others, this girl caught my attention, those long straight hair I used to play, her boyish but cute voice I always used to hear in the phone and.. and those lips I.. nothing.. We've been texting again lately and she told me new things about her, but I didn't expect her to come on Joan's birthday.

I sat on the vacant sit beside her, she still hasn't changed. I feel like we're back in my 4th year highschool days. We talked, we laughed, we had some fun like we have our own world during the celebration until we end up reminiscing all the memories we had. I can't deny the fact that the feelings are still there, the spark, the butterflies, this feeling.. something very unique, a unique feeling with my first true love, suddenly she opened up, she told me how much she regret what happened to the past, how I came to her mind instantly when she's thinking of many things, then follows these words that explodes my everything. "Rhenz, gusto kong ibalik yung dati. Sising sisi ako. Gusto ko yung dati. Gusto ko pa. Mahal pa rin kita e". Those words brought me to the happiness of the nth level. It seems that I don't care how she hurted me in the past anymore.

I smiled, and answer her without second thought, "Oo. Ibabalik natin". I am so happy that day like all my prayers in the past was answered after all the patience. After the celebration, I felt like I'm not going home yet. We went to the playground close to their home, sat in the grass and talked. It seems that I don't want the time to passed. I hugged her so tight that if it is possible, I almost break her bones."This time I won't let you go again, I won't do anything that will make you mad at me. I won't make any mistakes of loving you" I said. "This time I'll be sweeter" Sherine hitted me back, and kissed me. Finally, back in the 3 months when she was still mine, it came true, those lips I long to kiss, This girl I want to grow old with. All the memories seems to flashback, the first meeting, the quarrel, the sad times, the confession, the trials, the scent of white musk that she sprays in my hanky so that I won't miss her, the moment in the rain, the hug behind the back, the song tattooed on my mind, the sweetest poem on earth that I made, the separation, the pain. After that, we both closed our eyes, promising each other that we will be inlove for all time.

As I opened my eyes, I noticed that I'm in bed. Its already 10AM in the morning and we have a class later. Shit. What's with that scene? The unstoppable tears are dropping from my eyes without my knowing. Maybe a nightmare, maybe the sweetest dream.

Preliminary Examination sa EE 201

It's already prelims, and I must be ready for every subject in my major. Letting my guard down will cause me problems in the future. At the very moment I took the test in Differential Equations, I already studied in the library for my test in Electrical Circuits. I got very low scores from my previous 2 quizzes so I need to get a high score for this one. After 2 hours of studying, I finally went home and studied again. My brother told me to concentrate on Maxwell and Nodal because it is very hard If I don't know how to solve problems with that. I studied until 1:00AM and finally go to bed. The next morning, my dorm mate asked me who my professor is, I answered him, "Sir Go." He told me that Sir Go isn't his professor in EE 201 when he was still studying but he gave me a very useful advice. "Rhenz, R equivalent is very important. Practice Delta - Wye." With that, I already went to school and studied at the library for the prelims in EE.

A problem in the book is consist of a very hard circuit with complicated resistors. I tried to solve it and think for myself, "If I could solve this complicated one, I may pass his test." I finally solved it in 30 minutes and I felt that I'm already ready for the test.

3:00PM, It's already time to take the test. I'm looking for Christian in the classroom but it seems he isn't there to give me advices during his test. The bell rang. Each students from 3EEA was guided to the staircase so no leakage will be done. Now, its our turn.

Number 1, it seems to be the easy part of the test. I answered it in 10 minutes because its just an arrangement of equation in the KCL and KVL. Number 2-4, Maxwell and Nodal, its good to know that I had practice with this. It took me 1 hour to answer this three questions. Number 5, a circuit that seems very familiar. Right! This is the circuit I solved when I was in the library. I answered it within 15 minutes and finally, the last question. This seems to be a bonus question so few of us will fail the test. I stared to it for about 10 minutes. 10 minutes have passed and still I don't know how to solve it. Finally, I, being a bad student, wrote this on my paper. "Ayan, time na." when there is still several minutes left so it may look that I'm smart.:) After the test, I smilingly walk outside the room thinking if it is because of my luck, or my hardwork.

After 1 week, the papers we're returned. Few only answered the bonus question and my result?
99/100.^^

Dear ---,

Dear ---,

alam mo ba? hindi normal para sakin ang magpost ng ganito sa blog ko? pero hindi ko alam. bakit pilit mo akong binigyan ng dahilan para ipost ito. ayokong nakikialam ng buhay ng ibang tao, ng sa ganon ay wala ring makikialam ng sa akin. hindo ko alam kung anong "cool" bakit hindi mo maalis ang masamang habbit na ito sa buhay mo. alam mo na naman na gusto ko na nang tahimik na buhay. bakit ganyan ka?

hindi ko ipinost ang blog na ito para siraan ka o ano, sa katanuyan niyan, wala akong pakialam kung mababasa mo ito o hindi. ang sakin lang, masama ang loob ko. at isa ito sa mga paraan para mabawasan ang "muhi" na nararamdaman ko para sa'yo. sa totoo lang, tapatan na. hindi ka dapat nakikialam sa kung ano mang relasyon meron kami ni, alam mo na. bakit? hindi ba halata? wala kang alam sa pag-handle ng isang relasyon at wala ka ring alam sa kung ano man ang mga nararamdaman ng mga tao na may karanasan dito. oo, maaari kang magpayo at makinig, pero hanggang dun ka na lang. dahil sa ibang lugar napupunta ang pakikialam mo sa buhay ng ibang tao na minsan, nagdudulot ng masama.

masama ako, oo? minsan? hindi? alam ko may mga pagkakataong nagiging masama ako. yan ang tingin sa akin ng mga nakararaming tao. pero dahil mas marami nga naman ang hindi ko kakilala, masama nga ba ako? alam ko nasa listahan ako ng mga taong kinasasamaan mo, pero sasabihin ko sa'yo, sa mga chismis na sinasabi mo tunkol sa akin(o samin), sa palagay mo sinong nagmumukhang masama sa mata ng kausap mo? kami? o ikaw? sa ginagawa mo, galit ako sa'yo. galit na galit ako. alam ng marami na mahaba ang pasensiya ko, kahit pikon ako. marunong akong magpatawad, pero hindi ko yan mapapangako pag-dating sa'yo.

sasabihin ko lang, kaya kong tumayo sa sarili kong mga paa. at makakagraduate ako sa UST kahit walang tulong ng ibang tao. ang "kapal" ng mukha mo(sobrang kapal) para palabasing nanggagamit ako ng tao. kahit sa mga magulang ko ayoko nang iasa ang mga problema ko, kahit kanino hindi na ako nagsasabi, maliban na lamang sa blog na ito, tapos ipapamukha mo na nanggagamit ako ng tao para makaraos sa mga problema ko. kung ikaw nga, kapag may problema ka. doon mo lang ako nilalapitan (bukod sa may sisiraan kang tao sakin), pero hindi ka nakarinig ng kahit na anong "rejection" mula sakin. isa pa ayokong manumbat, pero kung iyon ang tingin mo sakin. uunahan na kita. bago ako maging ganon, siguro ikaw muna.

hindi ko naman pwedeng basta na lang patulan ka, una sa kadahilanang babae ka, at hindi tayo magkaantas sa lahat ng kategoriya. mabasa mo man ito o hindi. wala akong pakialam. naglabas lang ako ng nararamdaman kong "muhi" sa pinakamabuting paraan. iyon lamang.

PS: kung magpapatuloy kang ganyan, hindi na ako magtataka kung isang araw na lang, magigising kang wala ka nang kaibigan. so long.